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|| The Feisty Copperhead ||

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Dear You

Always Is Never Enough.

Dear You,

always

/ˈɔːlweɪz,-ɪz/

at all times; on all occasions.

You know that moment when you realize that someone’s ‘always’ has an expiry date? When ‘forever’ just isn’t long enough.

With the “I’ll always keep in touch”, the “I’ll always love you” and the “We’ll be friends forever”, do we actually fall prey to our imagination and believe that we can actually be a permanent part of someones life?

We all the know the reality of such promises, high school classmates all promising to stay in touch after graduation, the “I’ll always love yous” collected from all our exes. Why then do we allow ourselves to believe these empty promises and get hurt every time? Why do we agree to put ourselves through the same believe-deny-hurt-cry cycle that always ensues the breaking of such promises?

I have over 50 pals who had promised to call me regularly. We had planned to show up for all of each others important days and happy times, but today, a facebook comment is all I get from them. To be honest, I’m no better.

When it comes to love though, I pride myself for always upholding my promise of ‘always’. Yes, I’m sad to say that I have still kept my promise of forever being in love with the first person I dated. Well,I did say that I would. Unfortunately, I will always have a sweet spot for her for the rest of my life. Love screws you up, amirite?

Moving on, all her then love filled ‘sincere’ promises now seem unbelievable coming from someone who finds me as disgusting as she does. Yet, I foolishly still believe that she will come around or perhaps just once, remember her words to me?

Why do we depend on others to give us their love forever? Why is it that a short period of love, of friendship just isn’t enough for us? Why do we keep waiting for others to make those promises to us, when we can promise to love our self forever?

What forces us to measure our worth in terms of how much someone else loves us?

The only ‘always’ we need is ours, because when it comes to others, ‘always and foreveris just never enough. 

Love,

Me.

 

No Smoking.

Dear You,

*Cigarette smoking is injurious to health*

Duh, I’m 19. Of course I know this. Doesn’t stop me from lighting one every now and then.

I didn’t always smoke. In fact, being someone with asthma, there was a time when I couldn’t stand in the vicinity of someone with an ignited ciggy at their lips. All this changed when she left though. I took my first drag, as I dreaded going home, as I would have to face her.

Her. The girl who gave me everything, and yet, took away the very essence of my existence- my ability to trust, to love and most importantly- to write.

Cigarette smoking is injurious to health.

People are too.

Its funny how sometimes, we give a few people so much of importance, that their departure can alter our very being. We were meant to come in this wold alone, else we’d be born in groups, thus proving that we can survive on your own (except for procreation of course.) Relationships, love, friendship, they’re all our creations. So is dependency. I needed her to get over the ups and downs of life, and now I need something else to get over her.

I tried everything, alcohol, cigarettes, weed, anything to give me the high that she gave me, yet nothing matches the increase of my heart rate, as it does when she is around.

Which makes me pretty lame.

I can talk big, about not needing her, or anyone for that matter. But truth is, as I stand at my window all alone, lips kissing a cigarette butt instead of hers, reading her old letters to me as a playlist of ‘our songs’ plays in the background, I can’t help realize that we do need people in the end. Some will be more important than the others, and it’s okay to miss them when they leave. 

They might be poison for your heart, they might break you beyond repair, or maybe, their time in your life just got over. However stupid it seems, you might want them.

It doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t make you needy. It only makes you more human. 

And in a world full of machines all trying to show who’s tougher, a bit of humanity blowing off some steam can’t seem to hurt, can it?

Love,

Me.

Finite Infinities

 

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Dear You,

Life comes with memories, with feelings.

With dreams, emotions and thoughts. With hopes and hurt and love and loss.

With dissatisfaction.

But most importantly, life comes with people. People, who shape not only the person you will one day become, but also, the way you shape others.                          One night after getting pretty stoned, a friend and I decided to go up to the 5th floor terrace of our hostel building, and stargaze. And of course, as anyone moderately high, we talked about our futures and the people we cared about. Life in general, you get the idea. When she said something that really caught my interest.

‘Everyone comes into our lives for only a finite time, but each finite relationship can last an infinity.’

Multiple infinities in a finite timeline. It all depends on what you do with your time. And this got me thinking. Maybe the love that I lost was such an infinity. Maybe we should have stayed together, maybe we couldn’t have. But every moment that I spent with her was nothing less than a life time. Every hug, every kiss, one step closer to the end, but each a piece added to the infinity that we were creating together. Our time was limited, as is the sun’s every day, but that shouldn’t have stopped us from creating enough to last us a life time. ‘Cause after all, that’s what memories are right? A picture of what used to be. So, instead of dreading the end we all know is inescapable, let’s embrace it, let’s make our own little infinities.

We spend a lot of time worrying about what will happen tomorrow. Instead, we should worry about whether we sang in the rain enough; danced with our loved ones enough, kissed enough (I know I haven’t). How about, we stop worrying and just live. Hold each other’s hand, see the world together. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, whether you will be with your significant other or not. How about we make what we have right now, last forever.

You don’t yet know how your timeline will work. You might love them, their time as a part of your existence might be over, or just maybe, after 10 years, you are to meet again, only this time, both, a little more wrinkled, a little more mature, a little more prepared for what is to happen. Your finite time together slightly extended?

The rule is to lament the exit of a dear character from the play that is our life, but how about we all be an exception and really live every moment with them, so that the end doesn’t seem as bad, and we have something to forever hold on to, as we enter the next infinity with the next in line.

Love,

Me.

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